Piece of shit as am i..? ( drunk...)

I might be doing a big mistake... what should i do ? please tell me, i'm lost.. i don't know what to do anymore.. am i being played just as i've always been ? ahhhh.... i feel so depressed right now and don't know what to do... The only person that i trusted became the one that i doubt... i feel this fear that came back from nowhere. I'm so lonely. I have no one in this world, it's just killing me... There's nothing that can help, i'm Lost as i just said. Nothing count for me not even him... i want to kill myself, for.. no reason, and he doesn't even know how bad i feel right now. I just found out how is the real "him". He's just selfish and doesn't love me as much as he said. It is just an image that he gives me of him. But while i'm drunk, i can see that it's not true, i can see how he's playing me, i can see how much he loves himself more than me. Just fuck you.. ahh.. how can i believe me.. i'm just drunk right now, maybe? It might be alright tomorrow, i might forget all that shit tomorrow ? ahhhh! Please god help me, am i in the wrong way ? am i ? please tell me, i just feel so bad.... i just don't know what to do. If he loved me as much as he said, he would have shown me to the world, he would have called me back, he would have stopped hiding me, he would have love me for what i am, he would have tell me that everything alright and that i have nothing to be scared of, he would have just hold me tight and never let me go... but he didn't, and he'll not cause i'm not the one, i'm not the one that'll take him away, that'll get him better... i'm just one of those thousand girls.. nothing much.. i'm just a piece of shit?